GROWING A HEART OF LOVE:

TENDERHEARTED TO TOUGHHEARTED

February 15, 2026

Scripture: Ephesians 4:15

As most of you know, I was at one time a school chess coach. Now during a tournament game, the coaches and the tournament officials would only be allowed to be around the players. So, as a coach, I would typically wait for the team players to finish in a classroom. Well, during one elementary chess tournament, a second grader resigned after his opponent made an illegal move and commandingly declared checkmate. This tenderhearted second grader, without raising his hand and calling for an official about the illegal move, agreed with his opponent and as a result lost the game. The little second grader then came back to the classroom distraught, discouraged, and angry. He told me what happened. In talking with the second grader about his chess game, we talked about identifying the point of conflict when his opponent made the illegal move. We reviewed his chess notation to make sure he was right. Unfortunately, it was too late to reverse the loss because he agreed to it. I told him that next time he needed to raise his hand and call a tournament official and if necessary, request to talk to his coach. I wanted him to learn to do the right thing, to be a little tougher, to correct his opponent and if necessary, raise his hand for help.

A hardhearted, toughhearted person will manipulate, control, dominate, deny any fault, criticize, belittle, get angry if they don’t get their way, and/or make you feel guilty. Toughhearted people are often prideful, thinking you are wrong and they are right. As result, they will impose their selfish desires/will upon the tenderhearted person.

So, there are times when tough love needs to be expressed. Yet, for the tenderhearted person, especially the extremely tenderhearted person expressing tough love can be exceedingly difficult. Tenderhearted people will go to unbelievable lengths to avoid any kind of turmoil, unrest, or upheaval in a relationship. Yet it is the tenderhearted people in this world that get hurt the most. Why? One reason is because they don’t want to cause a conflict or they avoid conflict. Now there are times to avoid conflict, but the tenderhearted will avoid to the point of being abused. They think helping is good or the right thing to do. Another reason is because they believe in the best of everyone as they cling to hope, even if things never change. They show grace to others so willingly, even when they themselves don’t receive it in return.

An unknown writer stated, “When someone constantly puts you down, leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything right, or makes you feel worthless, or bad about yourself in general, just know you did nothing wrong; and that this isn’t love, it’s emotional abuse.”

Now what do I mean by showing tough love? It is correcting, rebuking, speaking the truth in love. It involves setting boundaries, imposing consequences, and hopefully prompting positive behavioral change.

For instance, a parent practicing tough love might temporarily cut off financial support to encourage their adult child to find a job and become financially independent. A friend has had too much to drink but insists that he can drive home. Do you say nothing and let him go or do you confront him and express some tough love? Now there are times to speak up, yell if necessary. For instance, if little Tommy is running into a street with a car coming. What do you say? “Tommy, please stop.”  Or do you yell, “Tommy, STOP! A car is coming.”  There have been times that I yell on Kid’s Night Out. I warn, I warn, I warn, and then I yell. Afterwards, I will tell them or ask why I yelled at them. The reason is because I love them and want the best for them.

So many people enable instead of speaking and showing true love. Enabling makes it possible and even encourages a person to remain in immaturity or irresponsibility. In contrast, true/tough love has the goal to help a person develop, to tell them what they are doing is wrong, to be responsible, to be a good steward, to grow into the character of Jesus Christ. Paul writes in Colossians 1:28, He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.

Now let me say this upfront. Tough love is not intimidating, bullying, shaming, belittling, humiliating, harassing, threatening, demeaning, abusive, or being insensitive. Tough love shows a person in the mirror and forces him/her to face his/her flaws and sins. Tough love may be painful, but not because the giver intends to hurt the recipient. Tough love challenges the recipient to change in ways intended to lead to greater success and stability. Now the path to get there may be difficult and even painful for various reasons, but the result will hopefully help a person overcome and grow in the character of Christ.

So, today, I want to talk to tender hearted people: those of you who have a hard time confronting, rebuking, who are afraid to share your feelings, who avoid conflict, who enable others, who value peace and harmony more than truth telling, who want to keep things comfortable, rather than do what is right and best.  Listen, if you're going to learn how to genuinely love, you need to learn about tough love. So, I want to share four important principles to help you express true/tough love.

Here is the first principle that I want to highlight this morning. Realize Scripture teaches tough love is an aspect of true love.

In I Corinthians 13, the Apostle Paul gives a description of love. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (I Corinthians 13:4-6).

True love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. So true love takes a stand when it comes across things that are unhealthy, wrong, or evil. In case you’re thinking that tough love isn’t a valid kind of love, then just think about Jesus. He sets the example of love.

Often, we think of Jesus as the Gentle Shepherd or the Lamb of God. We view him as tenderhearted, kind, and caring. Yet Jesus expressed tough hearted love. He said in Matthew 10:37, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”  Tough words. Tough love.

Jesus spoke tough words to his disciples as on several occasions he rebuked his disciples for their lack of faith.

The classic example of tough love was when Jesus cleansed the temple. Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, 16and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. 17And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written: " 'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations'? But you have made it 'a den of robbers.'"  18The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching (Mark 11:15-18).

Jesus was not some meek, timid, religious person. Jesus even said the following hard words: 

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites” (Matthew 23:13, 15).

Woe to you blind guides” (Matt. 23:16).

You are like whitewashed tombs which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean (Matthew 23:27).

You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? (Matthew 23:33).

His words were upsetting, but he wanted them to come to grips with the truth before they shipwrecked their lives and jeopardized their eternal souls.

In I Corinthians 4:21, the Apostle Paul asks, Shall I come to you with a rod, or in love and with a gentle spirit?”  Paul desires to approach his teachings with kindness and gentleness rather than harsh discipline. This verse highlights the contrast between discipline/tough love and tender love. Sometimes, tough love is necessary to give guidance and correction!

Please take to heart God’s love for us is the most tender love that we will ever know. But God’s love is also the toughest love we will ever face. He knows our hearts and does not hesitate to tell us when he finds sin there. He insists on truth no matter how painful it may be. May we realize the Bible teaches tough love is an aspect of true love.

Here is principle 2. Since expressing tough love for the tenderhearted is uncomfortable, one needs to realize/take to heart a lack of tough love results in unhappiness, enabling, superficial peace, hatred, bitterness, and even division.

In the book of Jude, immoral people had infiltrated the church fellowship. Jude states, Dear friends, although I was very eager to write to you about the salvation we share, I felt compelled to write and urge you to contend for the faith that was once for all entrusted to God’s holy people. 4 For certain individuals whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord…. These people are grumblers and faultfinders; they follow their own evil desires; they boast about themselves and flatter others for their own advantage….These are the people who divide you… (Jude 3, 4, 16, 19a).

Part of true love means taking a proper stance! Otherwise, there will be division within the church and within families. Jesus instructed and corrected his disciples to have unity (John 13:34, 35; John 17). We need to realize and remember that any approach other than truth telling will undermine the integrity of our relationships. A relationship built on superficial peace will not last. Listen, if you don’t express tough love when needed, people will get hurt eventually. Friendships will be lost, relational walls will be built, marriages will be broken, parent/child relationships will be damaged, church conflicts will occur and cause division.

Listen, a tenderhearted person must believe that truth telling is more important than peace keeping!!! For instance, what would happen if Kathy weren’t honest about my bad breath? She would tell me it was okay but never kiss me. We would not have made our 46th anniversary.

What would happen if I never had corrected Aaron about playing with matches? He might have put the house on fire.

What would have happened if my dad hadn’t insisted on not hanging around certain peers during my teenage years? I probably would have gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd.

What about the wife who is constantly critical of her husband? If the husband says nothing to rebuke her, both are going to live very unhappy lives. Just to let you know. When Kathy is a little too critical, which is part of her temperament, I often respond by saying, “Be nice to me.”       

How about the tenderhearted wife who says nothing about her husband being a workaholic and neglecting her and the family? She becomes responsible for watching the kids, and everything else. As a result, she will probably become resentful and possibly rebel. Remember the four stages of a marital relationship: Romance, Reality, Resentment, and Rebellion. When one hits resentment, then the problem needs to be addressed, or it will probably end up in rebellion like an affair or divorce.

Listen, if we don’t express tough love, the result very well might be disastrous. Ignoring, putting up with the behavior is one of the most damaging ways you can enable! If your relationship is built on superficial love and deception, you are in big trouble already.

I would like to say everyone will respond positively to tough love and say, “Thank you very much for bringing this to my attention.” But this is not likely. In fact, you might get an earful of angry words, or the person might no longer talk to you. When the professional counselor over 40 years ago told me that I should not go into the ministry, I did not respond positively. I was thrown into an identity crisis. In fact, I was discouraged and mad. I wrote that counselor off. If I had not considered his words, I might not have lasted in the ministry. Yet it prompted me to really grow in Christ and deal with my dysfunctional issues. Today, I would thank him!! Why? It is because the Lord used him to help me become the man of God that He wanted me to be. I still have a long way to go, but the Lord has blessed me beyond what I could ever imagine.

Here is a third principle. Remember as a believer in Christ, you have not been given a spirit of fear, but a Spirit of power, love, and self-control. Prepare yourself to express tough love. Be strong in the Lord.

The Apostle Paul’s disciple, Timothy, was a tenderhearted person. Paul had to instruct and encourage Timothy to prepare himself to rebuke and correct others. Paul writes in II Timothy 1:7, 8, For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God.

God’s Holy Spirit does not make us timid or being afraid, but rather God has given us a Spirit of power. I think of how the disciples in Acts 2 received God’s Holy Spirit and they spoke in power, in strength and power of the Lord to the people and to the governmental authorities.

Paul makes several other appeals to Timothy about why he needs not be ashamed. II Timothy 2:1 states, You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. Paul is encouraging Timothy to be strong and courageous motivated by the grace in Christ Jesus. Then in verses 3 and 4, he instructs Timothy to be a good soldier of Jesus Christ (II Timothy 2:3, 4).

Then in chapter 3:16-4:2 Paul stated, All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: 2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. Paul wanted Timothy to be prepared for confrontation so he could according to God’s word correct and rebuke!

So also, we need to prepare to confront. Since tenderhearted people are afraid to talk about issues of conflict, it is important to be walking in the Spirit, to know that the Lord has given you a Spirit of power, love and self-control. Be a soldier for Jesus! Seek and know God’s word and perspective on what needs to be said or done. Let the word of God dwell in you richly. Seek after God’s wisdom. Now please, interpret Scripture properly, not for your own selfish interest! Then teach, correct, and rebuke! Be prepared and have a plan to correct and rebuke. Then be strong and teach without resentment.

Then, if needed, ask for help. I am always willing to give my opinion. I was talking to a parent this past week about how their child is being picked on by other students at school. My initial thought was if that happens then the child should yell, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”  Let the authorities know so they can exercise corrective discipline. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for a person is to call for help. This includes calling the police.

Here is the last principle. Combine/have balance between tough hearted love and tenderhearted love. Speak the truth in love to others! For many people it can be difficult to speak and show the truth in love.

Ephesians 4:15 states, Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Real love is always both tender and tough. Too much tough love is harsh and hateful. If it is all tenderhearted love, then it makes up a superficial relationship. A balance of tender love with tough love is productive, helpful, and healthy.

Paul instructed Timothy in II Timothy 2, And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will (II Timothy 2:24-26).

Paul instructs Timothy to be kind, gently instruct/teach and not to be resentful. When we get positives from others, most of the time, we are more willing and able to accept some negatives from them. So, while we need to be able to express tough love, we must first have delivered a whole bunch of positive/tender love in the ways most meaningful to the recipient. Only after individuals come to expect positives from you will they be willing and able to deal with tough love from you. When Jesus rebuked the seven churches in Revelation 2, 3, he first praised them with positives. Then he gave the negatives.

Expressing tough love is not to be done in bitterness, but in a sensitive and loving manner. Sometimes this needs to be done with firmness as a parent disciplines a child. It is also important to communicate in a way that is caring and loving instead of harsh. One needs to lead; not provoke with the hope they will realize their sinfulness and change! 

If you are tenderhearted, the concern I have for you is that you might agree with what I am saying this morning, but afterwards you will ignore what needs to be done. For when the decisive moment comes, when you know you need to express the truth, the evil one will whisper lies in your ears, “Don’t do it. It is not worth it. It will only make things worse. Who are you to correct, you sinner? It might destroy the relationship. Please, step up and do what is right. Listen to God’s word and voice!

Tough love is not easy, but it is the best thing for you and for others. May we all grow a heart of love as we learn and apply both tender love and tough love. May God give you the wisdom, the sensitivity, and the courage to express tenderhearted love and tough hearted love.

Let me close with this story. Craig Barnes tells of when he was a child, his minister father brought home a 12-year-old boy named Roger, whose parents had died from a drug overdose. There was no one to care for Roger, so my folks decided they’d just raise him as if he were one of their own sons. At first it was quite difficult for Roger to adjust to his new home! Every day, several times a day, I heard my parents saying to Roger: "No, no. That’s not how we behave in this family." "No, no. You don’t have to scream or fight or hurt other people to get what you want." "No, no, Roger, we expect you to show respect in this family." And in time Roger began to change. Did Roger have to make all those changes in order to become a part of the family? No. He was made a part of the family simply by the grace of his adoptive parents. Did he then have to do a lot of challenging work because he was in the family? You betcha! It was tough for him to change, and he had to work at it. But he was motivated by the incredible love that he had received.

You and I did nothing to deserve God’s love. Yet through Jesus Christ we have been adopted into God’s family. Do you have a lot of hard work to do to become a son or a daughter of the Heavenly Father? No, God has already adopted you into God’s family? Do you have a lot of hard work to become the person the Lord wants you to be as part of His family? Absolutely!!  But you are motivated to make those changes because of the amazing love and grace shown to you through Jesus! And every time you start to revert to the old addictions to sin, our Heavenly Father will say to you maybe through his word, a friend, or even a pastor, "No, that’s not how we act in this family.”