GROWING A HEART OF LOVE:

TOUGH HEARTED TO TENDERHEARTED

February 8, 2026

Scripture Reading: Ephesians 4:29-5:2

The story is told of a dog owner who felt that the most loving thing he could do for his sick 15-year-old dog, Blacky, was to put him to sleep. On the ride to the vet, Blacky put his head on his owner’s lap and nuzzled him. It was terribly hard to take Blacky into the office. After the vet put Blacky to sleep, the owner went to his car and cried. He later stopped by his brother’s house. His brother asked him how he was doing. He responded with, “Well, I had to take Blacky to the vet to be put to sleep.”  His brother insensitively responded, “You paid a vet to put the dog to sleep? You should have brought it to me. I would have knocked it over the head and taken care of it--no problem.”  Two brothers with the same parents and similar upbringing, but one is tenderhearted and the other is very tough in spirit. Some people are tough, and others are tender.

Paul stated in Ephesians 4:32, Be kind and tender hearted/compassionate to one another.

For many of us, this is not an easy command to follow. Many people are tough hearted as they are unsympathetic, insensitive, domineering, concerned about their own self-interests. They act without regard for the feelings of others. They tend to criticize or correct others without any Christ-like love. They might mean well, but their words tend to come across harsh or critical. They generally don’t smile very much. They don’t listen very well. They are often more concerned about doing what they want instead of about the feelings of others. This type of person loves to have control. They will tend to run over/control tenderhearted people. They tend to provoke, not lead.

Now, there are different levels of tough heartedness and tender heartedness love. Some people might be 80 percent toughhearted and 20 percent tenderhearted. Others might be 55 percent toughhearted and 45 percent tenderhearted.

Now let me make this clear. Both tenderhearted love and tough hearted love are important character qualities. Both are necessary sides of love. The greatness of God lies in the fact that he is both strong and gentle. He is tough when it comes to justice and he is tender with mercy, love, and grace. There are times when we need to be tender-hearted. There are other times when we need to show tough love.

Next week, I will focus on the tender-hearted becoming more tough hearted, but this morning I want to particularly address tough hearted people. This type of person needs to learn to be kind, compassionate, and encouraging.

Now, I am afraid that most people would consider themselves caring, practical, and loving, but when it comes right down to it, they often are unconsciously unloving. Tough-hearted people tend to be blind to their lack of love, to the words they say. They tend to be hard-hearted.

In Luke 10:25-37, Jesus tells the parable of the Good Samaritan. Jesus pointed out that being religious is no guarantee of being tender-hearted. The priest and the Levite pass the injured traveler on the other side of the road because they really didn’t care. They were too busy and didn’t want to be bothered. Yet a Samaritan stopped to help because he had a tenderheart.

When I was younger, I was known as a nice guy, but I tended to be idealistic, insensitive, unconsciously incompetent, or unconsciously unloving! I had spiritual pride. I had not understood or taken to heart what Paul writes in I Corinthians 8:1b-2,…knowledge puffs up while love builds up. 2 Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know. It was one of the reasons a professional career counselor recommended that I not go into the ministry. His recommendation threw me into an identity crisis, but it also helped me to begin to recognize my toughhearted sinfulness.

Today, I like to think that the Lord has molded me to become more tender-hearted compared to 40 years ago. Years ago, I was not very sensitive to the pain of others. If I was counseling someone, I generally would say, “Get over it. Shape up.” Today, I hopefully will say something like, “Why are you feeling that way?” 

Now there are various reasons why people tend to be toughhearted.

1. As already mentioned, pride is a major factor why people are tough-hearted. They think they know or are better than others. I know it is very easy to be infected with a prideful attitude, to consider yourself better, more knowledgeable, more committed, more spiritual than others.

1. It might be because of their type of temperament. For instance, some people are naturally critical. Others tend to be naturally angry, fearful, stubborn.

1. Not only will one’s temperament be an issue, but also the experiences of life can play a significant role in either being toughhearted or tenderhearted. One’s family background plays a critical role. Parents play a major role. If a person’s love tank has been somewhat full, one will lean toward being tenderhearted. However, if one’s love tank is somewhat low, one will tend to be more toughhearted.

1. Another reason why one might be toughhearted is because of one’s religious beliefs. For instance, the religious leaders during Jesus’ day condemned Jesus for associating with sinners. They disregarded people because of their past behavior. It still happens today. Too many legalistic professing Christians are quick to judge and condemn.

1. It might be because of the fear of losing control. They are anxious about losing power or stability in their lives.

1. Being toughhearted might be because of wanting things done perfectly or one’s own selfish way.

1. Being toughhearted can occur because the trust gauge has been broken with someone. As a result, bitterness sets in and one does not even realize it.

1. Another reason for being toughhearted is because one is insecure, maybe because one has experienced the pain of abandonment.

1. People can also come across toughhearted because one is too busy, or burnt-out.

1. A major reason why people tend to be toughhearted is because they don’t consider or understand others. As noted last week, we need to ask ourselves is, “What is the most loving thing I can do for this person to help them come to know Christ or grow in Christ?” What will motivate that person to change, grow in Christ? Since people have different temperaments and experiences, one needs to consider how other people are wired-up. You need to learn why people do certain things and the impact of their past experiences. You need to consider their feelings. Then, you need to consider what to say and how to say it if we are going to influence and not provoke. This is so important in dealing with people. It is extremely critical in dealing with kids!

These are just a few reasons why people express or least express to some extent toughhearted love.

Oh, how do we need to recognize our sinfulness/our lack of Christlike love, towards one another, to our spouse, to our children, toward our parents or siblings. We need to wake up to how we are treating others. We need to consider what to say and how we say it.

I encourage you as Scripture instructs you to examine yourself (Note II Corinthians 13:4, 5). Ask yourself, “Do I make harsh statements? Why do I get so upset? Why did I say this or that? Why did I react like this?

I also encourage you to ask your spouse, your children, or a friend if you are coming across with a Christlike love. Am I being too harsh or being too tenderhearted? Of course, if you want an opinion, I always have one.

Once you recognize your lack of love, then you need to change. In our text today, we have several key principles for all of us, but especially for the toughhearted person!

Ephesians 4:29 states, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

In other words, watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. There are various examples of unwholesome/rotten speech. It might be foul language like taking the Lord’s name in vain. It might be an insult (Note I Peter 3:9). Complaining or arguing can be an issue (Note Philippians 2:14, 15). Some might use words to dominate or control through guilt. Other forms of rotten speech might include sarcasm, ridicule, being critical, blaming others, gossip, slander, lies, manipulative speech, coarse jokes, and the like.

Paul instructs us to say only what helps! Speak words of life! Speak words of encouragement (I Thessalonians 5:11). Speak words of appreciation. As believers in Christ, we are to edify and build one another up with our words. As Proverbs 16:24 says, Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Now if we are going to build others up, then we need to be sensitive to their needs. Listen and discern what others need. If necessary, ask questions. Proverbs 18:13 states, To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. Proverbs 12:18 says, The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Then build others up by giving them grace. Grace is undeserved favor! So, extend some grace. Speak words full of love and grace!

Words influence others for either good or bad. As believers in Christ, we are to use words to minister, to impart grace, to positively influence! There are plenty of hurting people. You need to speak words of life, so they have hope, so they gain spiritual and emotional strength, so they become whole in Christ. Rather than using your words to tear down others, use them to build up others. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)!!!

Years ago, in dealing with difficult people, I took to heart II Timothy 2:24-26, And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. 25 Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

Principle 1: If you are going to be kind and tenderhearted, then do not speak rotten words, but helpful words.

Ephesians 4:30 states,  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

The Bible gives us many good reasons not to sin. For instance, Scripture teaches that sin hurts oneself as you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7, 8). Sin also hurts others.

Paul notes here that we should not sin because our sin grieves the Holy Spirit (Note Ephesians 4:20-29). Your sin grieves the Holy Spirit because He loves you. Sin strains the personal relationship with the Lord, indwelling Spirit of God.

Sin also grieves the Holy Spirit because He loves others. It’s like a father who sees one of his children hurting one of his other children. He loves them both and he wants them to get along, so it grieves him to see the one hurting the other. The Lord desires to produce unity in the body of Christ and is grieved when there is conflict (Note Ephesians 4:3).

Please realize, if you grieve the Holy Spirit by sinning, you will suffer consequences. Sin brings temporary pleasure (Hebrews 11:25), but long-term pain. You will suffer the Spirit’s loving discipline (Hebrews 12:5-11). You will lose the sense of the Spirit’s presence. (Note John 14:16, 17; Psalm 51:11). You will lose the sense of God’s love. You will lose the joy of your salvation (Psalm 51:12). You will lose the assurance of answered prayer (Psalm 66:18). You will lose the ability to bear fruit and gain rewards in your service for Christ. You will lose the joy of fellowship with other believers.

Principle 2: If you are going to be kind and tenderhearted then take to heart not to grieve the Holy Spirit of God.

Ephesians 4:31, Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice.

The bitter person refuses to forgive or be reconciled. The bitter person does not realize that it steals your joy and hurts others close to you. So please remember vengeance belongs to the Lord. Instead of being bitter, pray for that person to find mercy and repentance. Attempt to reconcile. Note Hebrews 12:14, 15; Romans 12:16-21.

Get rid of the rage and anger. Rage refers to the outbursts of anger. It is used of the rage of a mob (Acts 19:28). Paul says that such anger has no place among believers. The word anger is a little less intense compared to rage, but often with the purpose of revenge.

Get rid of the brawling! Brawling refers to loud, angry words, where people are screaming at each other.

Get rid of slander. Slander refers to speaking evil about someone. Now, I try to only say things about people that I would say to that person directly. Now, I confess that there are times that I fail.

Paul also instructs us to get rid of any form of malice. Malice is a general term for wickedness or ill will towards another person. It is the desire to harm the person, either emotionally or physically.

Paul commands us to remove all six of these sinful attitudes and actions. They have no place for those who are being conformed to the image of Jesus Christ.

Principle 3: If we are going to be kind and tenderhearted, then get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every form of malice from your heart!

It is a daily battle. If you lose a battle, don’t give up. Confess it to God, seek forgiveness from those you have wronged, and get back in the battle.

Paul then states verse 32, Be kind and tender-hearted/compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Principle 4: If you are going to be kind and tenderhearted, then forgive just as in Christ God forgave you!

When I think of forgiving others, I think of Matthew 18:21-35. Peter had asked how many times one must forgive someone. Jesus responds by saying 70 x 7 times or an unlimited number. Then he tells the story of the unmerciful servant…. “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. 29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ 30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

God forgave you at a great cost….So please remember how much God has forgiven you in Christ! So, make the decision to forgive!

Then Paul writes in Ephesians 5:1, Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children. 

When I think of God’s example, I think of John 3:16, For God so loved the world that he gave….

Matthew 9:10-13 gives a good example of Christ’s love for people. Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. 11 But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum? 12 When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” 13 Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners” (NLT).

Toughhearted people tend to divide others into good or bad; spiritual or unspiritual, winner or losers. All human beings are God’s beloved creations, and all are invited to receive forgiveness at the cross. When we grasp this truth and begin to see people for what they mean to God, we begin to soften up and treat people tenderly.

Principle 5: If you are going to be kind and tenderhearted, then treasure people! Take to heart that people matter to God!!!

Ephesians 5:2 states, and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Walk in the way of love just as Christ loved you! How did Jesus walk in the way of love? For one he humbled himself from the glory of heaven to this lower earthly region.

As Philippians 2:3-8 states, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!

Jesus demonstrated humility as he came and walked in our shoes! In our relationships, we need to demonstrate humility. If we are going to have a humble heart, then we need to reflect how it would be if we had to walk in another person’s shoes. We need to be sensitive to what others are going through before we start attempting to correct and rebuke.

Principle 6: If you are going to be kind and tenderhearted, then walk in the way of love just as Christ loved! Be humble! Treat others like Christ would treat others.

John Maxwell tells the story about the time he took his daughter, Elizabeth, to a restaurant for lunch. The waitress whose job it was to take care of people, made us feel that we were really inconveniencing her. She was grumpy, negative, and unhelpful. All her customers knew she was having a bad day. Elizabeth looked up at me and said, “Dad, she’s a grump, isn’t she?”  I could only agree with her. Everything we asked of the waitress was met with a look of disdain. Halfway through our experience I tried to change this lady’s negative attitude. Pulling out a $50 bill I said, “Could you do me a favor?”  I’d like some change for this fifty because I want to give you a good tip today.” She looked at me, did a double take, and then ran to the cash register. After changing the money, she spent the next fifteen minutes hovering over us. I thanked her for her service, told her how important and helpful she was, and left a good tip.

As we left, Elizabeth said, “Daddy, did you see how that lady changed?”  Seizing this golden opportunity, I said, “Elizabeth, if you want people to act right toward you, you act right toward them. And many times, you’ll change them.”   Maxwell then writes, “That grumpy lady didn’t deserve to be treated kindly. But when she was treated not as she was, but as I wanted her to be and believed she could become, her perspective suddenly changed.”

What would happen if toughhearted people began to see and treat people with tenderhearts? The result would be unbelievable. Our families would change. Superficial friendships would deepen into warm brotherly and sisterly relationships. The church would multiply in effectiveness. God would bless.