Key Biblical Principles for A Healthy Family!
May 11, 2025
Today, one of the biggest, if not the biggest, issues that we face in this country is dysfunctional families. According to the American Psychological Association, a dysfunctional family is professionally defined as "a family in which relationships or communication are impaired and members are unable to attain closeness and self-expression."
I did a google search of the characteristics and causes of dysfunctional families. Let me share with you a few of the typical characteristics and causes of a dysfunctional family.
1.Persistent Conflict and Misbehavior: Dysfunctional families often experience frequent, unresolved arguments and unhealthy patterns of behavior.
2.Neglect or Abuse: Children's emotional or physical needs may be consistently unmet, and neglect or even abuse can be present.
3. Poor Communication: Open and honest communication may be absent, leading to misunderstandings, secrecy, and a lack of trust. Family members have a challenging time listening or expressing feelings in an appropriate way. They may not talk to each other. Family members may be overly critical or yell a lot.
4.Emotional Unavailability: Parents or caregivers may be emotionally distant, unable or unwilling to provide emotional support and understanding.
5. Unhealthy Boundaries: For instance, excessive expectations are when a parent/guardian puts intense demands on a spouse or child. When you do not meet those expectations, you could be made to feel guilty, criticized, and even punished. This can lead to a negative self-image and feelings of worthlessness. Other times, the boundaries are too loose as a parent allows the child to do whatever he/she wants.
6. Substance Abuse or Mental Health Issues: Addiction, untreated mental illness, or other behavioral problems are often characteristics of dysfunction families.
7. Marital conflict or divorce
8. Financial stress
9. Emotional immaturity of the parents.
10. A physical illness
Studies have shown that children who grow up in dysfunctional families are at risk of developing lower self-esteem, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety, anger issues, and depression. There is an increased risk of alcohol and/or drug abuse. There can be difficulty in maintaining employment. There is also a serious risk of having their own dysfunctional family in the future.
In contrast, a healthy family is a place of loving personal relationships. It is an environment where the art of nurturing takes place. A healthy family encourages one another. Loving discipline is found, and respect is shown. It is a place of sharing your struggles and your joys. A healthy family thinks of themselves as a unit. In a God-pleasing family there is security, a sense of being in a safe place, and there is no fear of being abandoned or rejected.
So, this morning, I want to give you some key biblical principles for a healthy family. Even though you might not have children, or your children are already grown, this subject is of such importance to warrant your attention. Our children are the future of the Church and nation. So even if you are not currently rearing children, how others do it will affect you. Parents and grandparents need God’s wisdom on how to do the job effectively. If you do not have children at home, perhaps you can be used of God to share these principles with those who do (Note Titus 2:3-5).
First and foremost: Love the Lord with all your being! Mature in Christ!
Deuteronomy 6:5-6 states, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.
Jesus identified loving God with all our being as the great and foremost commandment (Mathew 22:37, 38). Every area of our being is to be consumed with the desire to love God. We are to seek Him first!
When one loves the Lord, they are prompted, have a desire, to worship Him, to trust Him, to obey Him, and to live a life for His glory. When you have Jesus on the throne of your life, you want to do His will, not self-will. You will wholeheartedly desire to walk in His Spirit and as a result will produce the fruit of the Spirit. Paul writes in Galatians 5:22-25, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home! My Dad was a gambler. We would go to horse races every Saturday. I learned to read the racing form by age 7. Our vacations were often comprised of visiting various horse racing parks or going to Las Vegas. My Dad also seemed to be in constant conflict with my mom or one of my sisters. Yelling and screaming seemed to be part of the daily routine. My dad struggled in his Christian faith. He would drop us off at church on Sunday morning, but did not attend. At the age of seventeen, I was a professing agnostic. Then, the church youth pastor persuaded me to attend church camp. It was at camp that I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
I still struggled with the ramifications of growing up in a dysfunctional home and my sinful nature, but by the grace of God, the Lord started to transform my life. An important part of my way of thinking was to seek ye first the Kingdom of God from Matthew 6:33. I loved the song Seek Ye First. The first verse says, Seek ye first the kingdom of God; And His righteousness; And all these things shall be added unto you. I took this to heart. My daily prayer was to mold me to become the man of God that He wants.
Now 50 years later, I say without any reservations the Lord has taught me, and He has blessed me. The Lord worked in my life to develop a healthy family. Yet, the key was to put Him first! It was to grow and mature emotionally and spiritually in Christ!!!!!
Loving the Lord with all your heart is the foundation of a healthy family. This will prompt you to want to learn and apply the principles of God’s word to having a healthy family!!
Principle 2: Know yourself! If you are going to grow emotionally and spiritually in Christ, then you need to understand yourself and allow God’s Holy Spirit to transform you! If necessary, seek professional help!
Scripture calls us to examine ourselves (II Corinthians 13:5).
John Calvin believed that our knowledge of God is tied up in our knowledge of ourselves. He writes, Nearly all wisdom we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts: The knowledge of God and the knowledge of ourselves.…and we cannot seriously aspire to God before we begin to become displeased with ourselves (Institutes of the Christian Religion Book 1—Chapter 1, pages 35, 37).
Often, people do not see their own sin or weaknesses. Pride, especially spiritual pride, runs deep among so many professing believers. I have found it is critical to understand your own temperament, your experiences that prompt certain behavior and allow the Lord to transform you. This was a critical part of my emotional and spiritual growth.
I have made copies of a temperament test that you can pick up on the table in the narthex. Learn your strengths and weaknesses and allow God’s Holy Spirit and His word transform you into the character of Jesus.
Principle 3: If you are married, then develop a healthy and happy marriage.
God’s designed marriage to be built on love, partnership, and unity. A healthy marriage is one where both partners encourage and strengthen each other, working together as one in faith and purpose. God’s intention is for us to thrive together, supporting one another in all aspects of life.
Scripture speaks extensively about marriage. God’s word taught me how to have a healthy marriage. For instance, one passage that has spoken to me over the years has been Ephesians 5:21-33. I especially have taken to heart verse 33, However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. I also took to heart Ephesians 4:26b, Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. When I was mad at Kathy, I had to reconcile before going to bed.
Listen, if one spouse or the other is not growing in the character of Christ, having self on the throne instead of having the Lord on the throne of their life, the result will be conflict and various other issues. So, please take to heart a happy marriage is foundational for a healthy family. Sadly, too many kids have been negatively impacted by divorce or constant marital conflict.
Principle 4: Model a Christ-like character!
I Timothy 4:12 states, Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
Years ago, I took this verse seriously as a pastor and as a dad. In seminary, I learned that about 90% of our behavior is from modeling others or a combination of others (Albert Bandura). Children pick up behavioral patterns. They especially grasp the negative ones. Children who live with critical parents learn to be critical. Children whose parents scream and argue learn to do the same. Children whose parents find all kinds of excuses to miss Bible class and church will find it easy to do the same. Sadly, many children fall away from the Lord because of the hypocrisy seen in their homes. To raise godly children, to have a healthy home, parents must model godly Christ-like character. (Note Ephesians 5:1, 2).
Principle 5: Teach, train, and nurture the children in the Lord. Lovingly discipline! Do not provoke! Fill their love tank!
Deuteronomy 6:7 states, You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Teach, train, and nurture your child throughout the day in everyday activities. For instance, before a meal, simply take time to pray. When your child is anxious or worried, then talk about what God’s word says in how to handle it—note Philippians 4:4-9. When they have doubts, then talk about why they can believe—Psalm 19; I Corinthians 15.
We need to be able to explain the good news of Jesus Christ! We need to be able to explain to our children about sin, the death and resurrection of Jesus and why one should commit to follow Jesus!
We also need to teach our children how to cultivate godly relationships. Our kids need to learn what biblical love means (1 Cor. 13:4-7; 1 John 3:16-18; 4:7-21). They need to learn how to resolve conflicts God’s way (Eph. 4:25-32; 1 Pet. 3:8-12). They need to learn how to speak in a manner that builds up rather than tears down others (Eph. 4:29). They need to learn how to be discerning in choosing friends who will not drag them into the world (1 Cor. 15:33; 2 Cor. 6:14-7:1).
We also need to train our children in life’s responsibilities, in being good stewards. For instance, they need to learn proper hygiene and care for their body. They need to learn the importance of work. They need to learn about good stewardship in what God has given them and in handling money. They also need to learn how to manage their time (Ephesians 5:16).
Now if we are going to raise up godly children, then we need to be ready to teach. Now let me add this. I have observed too many parents start harping on moral things or being legalistic—do this, don’t do that. This is not teaching God’s word. Preaching dos and don’ts only leads to bitterness and rebellion from a child.
Listen, know your child. God knows us, so also, we need to know our children. How they are wired up, their temperament type, their various issues. This way you can nurture them in an effective way.
If we love our children, we are also going to lovingly discipline them. James 1:19, 20 states, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
This reflects how God deals with us as Exodus 34:5-7 notes that God is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, faithful, and forgiving. He also disciplines his children. (Note Proverbs 3:11, 12). So also, a parent needs to be compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, faithful, and forgiving.
There are times we also need to discipline. Proverbs 29:15 states, A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.
Kids need to be properly corrected so that they can learn what is right and wrong. Years ago, Aaron got upset and I heard him call someone “stupid.” I promptly rebuked him. Later that night before bed, I turned to Matthew 5:21-22, “But anyone who says, “You fool/stupid” will be in danger of the fire of hell.” I then had the opportunity to talk about God’s grace.
When Aaron was younger, there were times I raised my voice such as the time he started to run in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I had to remind him that he was not in a park. I was never a big believer in spanking above the age of 3. But I would yell. Now, I try to imitate the Lord in being slow to anger as I will warn, warn again, and then the voice rises in volume.
Not only are we to teach, train, and discipline but we also need to make sure we do not provoke.
Ephesians 6:4 states, Fathers/parents do not exasperate/provoke your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Now, we can provoke in many ways. It might be by well-meaning overprotection. It might be a favoritism of one child over another. Children also are provoked by always being criticized without receiving compliments and encouragement. Parents can provoke by constantly barking commands. Parents can provoke a child by making him/her feel unwanted, by being insensitive to a child’s problems, by physical or verbal abuse, by neglecting, or breaking promises.
Parents, grandparents, be careful not to provoke. I often tell parents, “Parenting is leadership and leadership is influence.” So parents, I encourage you to learn how to influence your child. Lead them, don’t push. I found if I corrected Aaron, then it was important to explain to him what he did wrong. (This is what Scripture often does.) There were other times I would simply ask, “Why did you do that?” Help them to start thinking about what they do. Feel free to ask, why, why, why!
Please take to heart a healthy family has good communication. Words of appreciation and encouragement need to be spoken within the family (Ephesians 4:29). Find out how they feel and what they are thinking. Sometimes, you need to apologize. Parents, grandparents, there are times when you need to admit that you are not perfect, not always right.
As we train and instruct our children, let us also surround our children with a fortress of prayer and love. Then and as, we trust the Spirit of God to do for them what he did for us, we can claim the promise in Proverbs 22:6. Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.
The late Joe Bayly was a gentle, godly Christian leader. I once heard him tell how one of his sons rebelled back in the days of the hippie movement. He grew his hair long and moved into a flophouse. Late one night, Bayly received a call informing him that his son was being held at one of the Chicago police stations. He got out of bed, got dressed and went down to the station, but they had no record of his son being there. He made the rounds to several police stations before he realized that the call had been a prank. Even though it was about 2 a.m., before he went home Bayly went to the flophouse where his son was living. Since the door was always unlocked, he went in, stepped over several sleeping bodies on the floor, and found his son asleep on his bed. He gently bent over and kissed his son on the cheek before he went home to bed. Years later, the young man had become a pastor and told his father, “Dad, do you know what turned me around?” Bayly said, “No, son.” His son said, “It was that night you came into my room and kissed me. You thought that I was asleep, but I was not. I thought, ‘If my dad loves me that much, I had better get my life right with God.’”
Here is the last principle for a healthy family. Children, honor and obey your parents.
Ephesians 6:1-3 states, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Paul commands children to obey their parents in the Lord. God’s authority is always above moms and dads. Children should only disobey when their parents have asked them to do something against God’s word. So, if mom or dad asks you to steal a CD from Wal-Mart, then it is appropriate to disobey your parents.
Obeying your parents is the responsibility God has given you. You can try to reason with your parents and explain why you think things should be done differently, but it is still your job to obey. You need to do that, not because they are always right or fair, but because as Paul says, “for this is right.” Children, please remember parents are not perfect.
Paul then quotes the 5th commandment. Verse 2, “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise. Honor means to value highly, to hold in the highest regard and respect. This is a lifetime responsibility. How can you honor your parents? Let me give you some general principles: Learn to understand your parents. Be thankful and show it. Do things for them and with them. Communicate with them. Be co-operative with them.
Why should you honor your parents? To obey and honor your parents is to obey and honor God. You should also honor your parents because they are physically responsible for your humanity.
Now let me add this. Scripture indicates the child is to leave his/her parents and cleave to the one he/she married. The adult child still needs to show respect, but do not let the parent control your life.
Being a parent of an adult child, I know my son is no longer under my authority. When he was younger, he was under my authority, but now he has made the decision to be under God’s authority. He decided to have the Lord Jesus on the throne of his life, not self. As a parent, I am so thankful and overjoyed!!!
Paul states at the end of verse 2 and 3, which is the first commandment with a promise—3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Those who rebel against parents and get into drinking, drugs, and crime are more likely to die young than those who avoid such destructive sins.
A family where children and parents live in mutual love and submission with Jesus as their Lord will have God-given harmony and satisfaction!
Let me close with this story. In 1889, two baby boys entered this world. One was born to an Austrian couple. His father was harsh and ill tempered. The mother was interested in other things besides being a homemaker and mother. There was no Christian influence in his life. When the father died, the mother gave her son to an abusive alcoholic aunt. At 16 years old, he dropped out of school and ran away. He drifted from one job to another. He enlisted in the German Army during World War 1. After Germany’s defeat, he tried and failed various careers. He took an interest in political activism and in out of trouble for several years. He was eventually imprisoned for leading an attempted insurrection. After serving 3 years, the sentence was reduced and promised to stay out of politics. However, by 1933, he had established himself as the ruler of Germany. He declared himself the Fuhrer. He ultimately plunged Germany and most of the rest of the world into war.
The other baby was born to a Texas family. His parents were God fearing and loving. The family moved to a farm in Kansas when he was two years old. They were active in church. His mother read from the Bible almost every evening when he was young. This child learned to pray. For this young Kansan, Jesus Christ was more than a name. He was a living reality. He attended West Point and was commission as a U.S. Army Officer. He later commanded the Allied invasion force against Germany.
These two 1889 babies: Adolph Hitler and Dwight D. Eisenhower. Hitler died beneath the rubble of Berlin. As a result, the world cheered that he was dead. When Eisenhower died in 1969, the world mourned. The best thing you will ever do for this world or the world to come is to raise a child for Jesus Christ.
